Dragon Frontline Episode 2
by Elven Sesshoumaru
Summary: The Lunar dragons meet for yet another riviting discussion! This weeks topic: Relationships and Health


((Author's note: This is a silly piece of work that has a lot of character bashing, even on series and characters that *I* love, so basically if you can't view this fanfic with good humor and simply enjoy it for the zany nature of the piece I advise you really don't read this. Thank you.))   
  


The camera comes on and pans in on the set of Dragon Frontline where the four cat sized Lunar dragons are sitting on the table. The camera pans over to Prof. Oak. "Hello, I'm Professor Oak and you're watching Dragon Frontline! This week's topic is continued from last week's topic, relationships. We'll also be discussing health issues, sales, crime and various other subjects. Now, let me turn it over to the Lunar Dragons." he says as the camera pans back to the four dragons.   
  


"Hello, we're the Lunar Dragons. I'm Ruby and the other hosts are Nall, Sapphire, and Black Beauty (Black). Last episode we left off on discussing relationships and there's some of those we wish to touch back on, the first being Slayers." Ruby said.   
  


"Huh, you didn't tell me we were discussing Slayers." Nall replied, looking over at Ruby with a raised brow.   
  


"Oh I didn't? Ah, anyway. I had a thought about that guy Zelgadis since last we met. I was thinking, if the hair on his head is made of wire does that mean that the hair around-" Ruby began and Nall quickly interrupted her crass statement.   
  


"This is how you start the show!? Geeze Ruby, have you no morals?" Nall yelled, glaring. 

"No, and neither do you! Besides I had just wondered that. If the answer is yes then Xellos would probably like that too." Ruby said.   
  


"Ruby, I have one word for you. Ick." Nall said. Ruby huffed, sitting back on her haunches and crossing her paws.   
  


"What we actually did plan to discuss first was Inu-yasha." Nall said. 

"Great, so . . . We know there is the supposed relationship of Kagome and Inu-yasha, however nothing has been proven therefore we will do our own speculation. As far as Kagome goes she's kind of the variable. People usually tack her with someone or another but as far as relationships go I don't know if she really cares. I've heard people speculate about her and Sesshoumaru but I just don't buy it. I get the feeling that if she ran into Sesshoumaru at a hot spring, or underneath a cherry blossom tree he'd be liable to kill her first and ask questions later." Ruby said.   
  


"Heh, why would Sesshoumaru be in a hot spring or underneath a cherry blossom tree? I mean, that's not exactly demon behavior. " Nall asked. Ruby shrugged in response. 

"I think it's safe to say that it probably isn't a happening thing. Kagome and Miroku might hook up but I don't think she's into perverted monks." Ruby said.   
  


"Hmm, yeah. Let's drop it with Kagome and discuss the others." Nall replied.   
  


"Okay! Well you could always stick Miroku with Inu-yasha but I think there are better pairings. I like the idea of Sesshoumaru and Inu-yasha." Ruby said. 

"Ruby, they're related, isn't that wrong somehow?" Nall replied with a disgruntled expression. 

"Well, it's not like they're going to produce some deformed inbreed children since they're both male, besides they're only half brothers on their father's side." Ruby explained. 

"Hmmm . . . I guess you have a point there. If they were bringing inbred beings like Nash into the world that would be a different issue but that'll work so long as that doesn't happen." Nall said.   
  


"We should just be matchmakers, you know Nall!" Ruby laughed. Nall couldn't help but chuckle a moment before trying to compose himself and continue.   
  


"Ahem, last episode we also discussed Harry Potter and couplings there and I thought we should touch back on that a little." Nall said as Ruby laughed quietly.   
  


"Hehehe . . . I almost forgot about this topic! One person we discussed last week was Professor McGonagall and whom she'd hook up with and after some heated debate we all came to agree that McGonagall would hook up with the flying instructor, Madame Hooch." Ruby said.   
  


"I personally think that Madame Hooch would be the dominant one in that relationship. I know McGonagall is strong-willed and controlled but Madame Hooch seems like she could be just severe." Nall replied.   
  


"Hmm, could be . . . " Black interjected quietly.   
  


"Moving on, today we have a discussion on health issues, in particular the health issues of Lina Inverse. She's flat chested!" Ruby exclaimed.   
  


"Ruby, that's not the thing you should say. Miss Inverse could see this and become very angry, Ruby." Nall said, sweatdropping.   
  


"Yeah, yeah . . . Anyway, the health issue we wanted to discuss does have to do with Lina's flat chest. With all the medical technology today why doesn't she just get breast implants? Is she concerned with the safety, or does she truly go for the underdeveloped female look? One day when she's calmed down after viewing this episode we might have her on to comment." Ruby said in a very informational voice.   
  


"And while we're on the topic of science another pairing question comes to mind. Dr. Ishino of the Earthian cast talks about Taki as if he had a relationship going on with the bio-humanoid. What's your take on this, Ruby?" Nall asked.   
  


"Yeah I just bet! All the lab tech's would be packing up and Ishino would be all like 'It's okay, go on home, I'm just going to stay to do a little after hours work" and then go and do his "Experimenting" with Taki. I don't think the government realized that they were not only funding medical research, but also Ishino's sex life." Ruby said nearly dying with laughter.   
  


"No wonder Taki was sickly, with medical tests AND Ishino hooking up with him on a nightly basis!" Nall exclaimed while trying not to laugh.   
  


"Hopefully Ishino didn't spout poetry in the middle of getting it, I think that would completely ruin the moment . . . You know he probably got together with Messiah too, I mean he did have him kind of chained up at the wings. Maybe he was experimenting with S & M at that time . . . " Ruby considered. Nall shuddered.   
  


"Ishino is disturbing enough as it is but discussing his sexual life with his half-human creations is a little much for my senses . . . " Nall muttered, pressing his paws against his temples.   
  


"There is one other thing I noted about Earthian. The cast had very few choices of people to hook up with. I mean, what does Chihaya have to choose between, let's see there's Kagetsuya, Messiah, the guy with the mean girl, and that's about it. I mean, unless you count Ishino . . . He was captured by Ishino once who had him strapped down to a chair and was electrocuting him, not to mention Chihaya did have a big bloody cut when Kagetsuya found him. A whip mark where Ishino got a little overboard?" Ruby theorized. Nall nodded in agreement.   
  


"Okay, I think we've covered that suitably so who's next?" Ruby said and looks at a few scattered papers on the desk next to her.   
  


"Oh yeah, Those Who Hunt Elves is next. The main point that I thought of was the fact that the cast is mostly women. Counting Celcia who got turned into a dog, Junpei is traveling with three women. Now follow me on this, that means that three women and one guy are driving around the elfin countryside in a possessed tank whilst finding young elfin maidens to strip. Yeah they say it's for a good cause so that they can get home but wouldn't the three women completely disagree with going around and stripping other women unless they were fulfilling some sort of carnal desires to see other women stripped."Ruby explained. Nall nodded in agreement.   
  


"You have a point Ruby, even if it does make me nauseous."Nall replied.   
  


"Yeah well you'll be okay. Our next group is the Haunted Junction cast. We know that Asahina isn't interested in anything besides prepubescent little boys and . . . HEY! She should hook up with the Harry Potter people who speculate about Harry and Draco." Ruby said, getting off on a tangent.   
  


"Eeeewwww Ruby, that's gross however true it may be." Nall replied looking slightly green. 

"Nall if your going to vomit do it off camera." Ruby replied and Nall nodded, flying away from the desk and there is a vomiting sound in the background before Nall flies back looking like he's feeling better.   
  


"Okay, now I can talk about slightly more crass topics without blowing chunks." Nall said.   
  


"Oh Nall, such a sheltered life you had before I came along." Ruby said shaking her head sadly.   
  


"Bite me." Nall replied and began to switch his tail back and forth in a disgruntled feline manner.   
  


"Anyway, what I was saying before you threw up was that Asahina's relationship is pretty fixed. Kazumi's is also because he's got a fetish for dead toilet women named Hanako. There might be a 20% chance of Kazumi hooking up with someone else but it's unlikely. Haruto is the real wild card here. He could hook up with most anyone however his chances of getting together with Red Mantle are pretty strong, especially after he falls temporarily in love because of seeing Red Mantle's eyes." Ruby finished and then looked at the list of discussion topics and grinned.   
  


"Oooh, a really fun one!" Ruby said and Nall looked worried.   
  
  
  


"What is it?" Black asked dryly.   
  


"The next topic is Link, Zelda, and Sheik. Now there has been a LOT of debate about these people, Sheik in particular. Some people say that Sheik is really Zelda because he made a revealing appearance. Well I have one speculation and then a piece of evidence." Ruby said.   
  


"Evidence?" Nall asked.   
  


"FISH JERKY!" Sapphire yelled in his sleep and rolled over onto his back on the desk. Black sweatdropped and scooted about an inch away because Sapphire had been known to bite in his sleep.   
  


"Uhhh . . . What was I doing? Lost my train of thought there." Ruby said and shuffled through her notes, pushing the papers about with her paws.   
  


"You were talking about Sheik." Nall replied.   
  


"Oh yeah, thanks Nall! What I was saying is that my first speculation was that things are vice versa of what people say and that Sheik was actually was born a male but forced to live his life as a female princess Zelda and he's been trying to break away from his female princess counterpart by posing as a mysterious male person. Basically it reverses the idea about Zelda being a cross-dresser and says the opposite, that Sheik is the real cross-dresser. That aside I have real evidence!" Ruby announced holding up a paw triumphantly.   
  


"Yeah I was going to ask, what kind of evidence?" Nall replied and hoped he wouldn't regret it.   
  


"Well, I have a picture here that I found on the Internet that completely disproves any faint idea that Zelda and Sheik are one in the same person." Ruby said, picking up a piece of paper that is likely to have the image on it Ruby studies it closely.   
  


"First of all Sheik and Zelda are standing.. And kneeling as separate beings. Zelda is watching an interaction between Sheik and Link, voyeur that she is and . . . I doubt that the protrusion from Sheik's lower body could be mistaken as female . . . " Ruby said in a calm voice as if talking about a famous painting or a documentary.   
  


"What the hell?! Ruby, let me see that!" Nall said and snatched the picture from Ruby, and choked when he saw it, the tips of his ears turning pink.   
  


"Ruby! My god, what are you doing brining pictures like this on a television show?!" Nall yelled while Ruby grinned back at him.   
  


"Well it is rock hard proof." Ruby said and then grinned again.   
  


"Yeah, I'd say." Nall said and then sweatdropped.   
  


"Now you've got me being crass." he muttered.   
  


"Well, my point is that Sheik is a male, associated with male things. I mean hell, they even have a condom named after him!" Ruby exclaimed. Nall raised an eyebrow.   
  


"They do?" he replied incredulously.   
  


"Yep! I saw them the other day when I was in the grocery store checkout line opposite the pharmacy." Ruby said.   
  


"But were they really named after Sheik?" Nall asked.   
  


"Ah, hell if I know, probably not but still, it makes a good argument doesn't it?" Ruby said.   
  
  
  


"Ah well, I'll agree with you this time." Nall said and then peered around Ruby to see what the next topic was.   
  


"Chibis?" he asked, looking confused.   
  


"Oh yeah! The next topic is Chibis. I've had some interesting questions about Chibis. First of all do people who can become Chibified get disability rights of people of smaller stature while Chibi or are they still considered normal?" Ruby asked.   
  


"We did some polls on people who could turn Chibi and they all said that turning Chibi did not qualify for disability or other government benefits." Nall answered analytically.   
  


"Okay, that said, another interesting question. If two people who are can turn Chibi hook up do they prefer to get it as Chibis or full sized people?" Ruby asked.   
  


"Ruby, I don't even want to picture Chibis hooking up . . . " Nall said.   
  


"Well, it's an interesting question! I seriously had to wonder. I would suspect that it's subjective to the person, perhaps it could be considered a fetish." Ruby said. Nall didn't comment this time, unable to acknowledge another of Ruby's crass statements with a clear conscience.   
  
  
  


"Moving along . . . " Nall said.   
  


"All right, All right." Ruby replied and looked at her notes.   
  


"Oh yes, next was just a short note about Mousse of the cast of Ranma . I suspect that Mousse had a side job besides martial arts and working for Shampoo's grandmother. I believe that he is having an under cover job as a whip master. What other reason would he have for constantly carrying around whips, chains, and sharp objects if he wasn't? It's not like he's going to be working with furious tigers every week." Ruby said.   
  


"Yeah, I'd agree. As crazy as some of your speculations are, Ruby I think you're right on this one." Nall agreed.   
  


"Yeah well, when I'm right, I'm right! Moving on to our next fun topic! Mario, Luigi, and their amassed friends are the subject now. My very first point that I must make is that they are all very, very strange. Frighteningly so. They are freaks!" Ruby said. Nall rolled his eyes at Ruby's typical banter.   
  
  
  


"Now, that said I can mention my real point. The princess, named Peach, really likes Mario and Luigi. First of all, what kind of a name is Peach? Maybe Cynthia or something like that would be suitable (strange as she is in the looks department.). Secondly, and this is big, there is the sheer idea that she'd want to hook up with Mario or Luigi. They are plumbers, dirty sweaty plumbers." Ruby ranted.   
  


"Yeah, that is a really gross thought. I mean, they do surf the poo pipes and work in sewers." Nall said.   
  


"See my point? Who would want to hook up with someone like that? Apparently only a pink frill wearing princess named Peach." Ruby said and shrugged hopelessly.   
  
  
  


"Oh, Ruby, did you see the headlines? It said the other day that Aeris was killed in cold blooded murder by Sephiroth?" Nall asked.   
  
  
  


"Eh, can't say I didn't see it coming. I mean they're like oil and water. She wears pink, he wears black. She sells flowers, he impales oversized snakes on dead trees. Her weapon was.. Was.. Did she have a weapon? Ah hell, anyway, Sephiroth had a big butt whoopin' sword. I really could care less though, I mean she was always rather annoying to me. She was far too feeble and needed to stand up for herself and be a tough woman. She was rude too, I met her one time at a ball held by Squaresoft and Working Designs and she was a complete snob. I tried to say hi to her and she told me that she wouldn't talk to people who turn into flea-bitten felines. What a witch." Ruby finally finished, muttering angrily under her breath.   
  
  
  


"Ooookay..." Nall muttered to himself and then nodded his head at Ruby to look at her notes.   
  
  
  


"Sorry Nall, got carried away there. Back to what I was doing. Another of the FF7 cast comes up in discussion and that is Tifa. I'm sorry but Tifa has the opposite problem of Lina. Her hooters are too big! I say she needs to have a breast reduction." Ruby said.   
  
  
  


"Either that or start pole dancing. She could make good money that way." Nall said.   
  
  
  


"Mmm, yeah or that. That would work so that she could at least put those big balloons to use." Ruby replied and then got quiet a moment.   
  
  
  


"Speaking of pole dancing the other day I was listening to the album released by Pegasus J. Crawford and he has one particular song that just screams "Male pole dancing stripper". Not to mention the connotations of the song! I mean he's basically asking how you prefer him to get it with you. Face up, or face down. And I thought I was crass! I'm nothing compared to him. I'll have to send out some undercover camera crews to stalk him and see if he really does pole dance and strip." Ruby said, scribbling a note on her papers before facing the cameras again.   
  
  
  


"I think that millionaires like Mr. Crawford have too much time on their hands." Nall replied.   
  


"That aside, back to FF7 cast members I think that I have to strongly wonder about Cloud's sexual orientation. I mean he's surrounded by gobs of women who'd love to get with him and yet he pays them little or no attention where as when you see his flashback to Nibelhiem he is all lovey over Sephiroth. I'd say Cloud truly wants to hook up with Sephiroth if you ask me." Ruby said.   
  
  
  
  
  


"Yeah, I'd agree. There's nothing stopping him from getting it with Tifa or Aeris and yet he doesn't care a bit for either of them." Nall agreed.   
  


"Moving on our next topic is, oh god..Gundam, one of the most run into the ground topics I can think of. Let's just say that people have thought of most pairings out there. They've put Duo with Heero and Heero with others etc., etc. I am sick of it! I could care less about five suicidal young men hooking up as interesting at the way I just phrased that sounds. My other main beef with this dead topic is Heero Yui's suicidal ways. I think that if he is going to kill himself he needs to do it and not mish-mosh around with trying to blow himself and his Gundam up. He needs to just get a gun and finish the deed rather than threatening or attempting every five minutes to kill himself. Better yet we'll just call in Ghaleon and have Heero lay his head on this news desk and Ghaleon can end it for him." Ruby said.   
  


"Jesus Christ, Ruby! Settle down. I know Heero pisses you off but calm down. It's not that bad, besides would you really want the blood of a Gundam pilot on the news desk? It'd just lure wasps." Nall said. Ruby sighed having finished her rant and nodded, settling down.   
  


"Well, I feel better! Who's next?" Ruby said and then flipped to another page of notes.   
  


"Ah yes, Ceres' cast members. Like Fushigi Yugi counting all the potential hookups would take a separate episode in itself so we'll just mention the interesting ones. I think a funny couple would be Alexander O. Howell and Kagami. Can't you just picture it? Kagami locking O. Howell in the lab to run some experiments of his own on our poor effeminate blond-haired scientist. Or Toya and Yuuhi! What a scandal that would be." Ruby said, smirking with a maniacal expression.   
  


"Yeah, if Aya didn't Ceres would kill Toya for that." Nall added in.   
  


"Wei Fei Lee could be more interesting if his life didn't center around strictly fighting and he actually had personality." Ruby replied and then glanced again at her paper.   
  


"Dragon Ball/ DBZ?" she muttered and then looked at the director who shrugged.   
  


"Well, okay then, we'll discuss Dragon Ball and DBZ next. I guess it's okay because it has dragon in the name and it does have Dragons in it, though the Dragon of Namek is rather chunky if you ask me. The Dragon of earth looks like it actually gets a work out every few centuries. That aside let's discuss the characters. Goku is your generic naive good guy, clueless to the fact that evil people really hate him. Goku has been that way since his child acting career in DB and it hasn't changed in DBZ, GT or after. Though Bulma may appear to have an attitude problem she's not bad in person really. She's very intelligent, however her biggest flaw is that she's a vain control freak." Ruby said.   
  


"Yeah, too true. I think Vegeta needs two things: anger management classes, and rogaine. That would make everything better for him, I think. Goku's kids are all the same too, just naive little carbon copies of himself with slightly skewed attitudes." Nall said.   
  


"Yep, that's about the right description. Trunks would've been okay to keep around maybe... Anyway.. I think the one who really have to wonder about is Piccolo ." Ruby replied.   
  


"Huh, what are you talking about?" Nall asked, quirking an eyebrow at Ruby.   
  


"Well you see, Piccolo was born from an egg that his evil self hacked up before dying on DB. Also there are no women on Namek. So we are only left with three possible explanations of how Namek(ians?) reproduce. Either they are asexual and can conceive life without outside assistance. Or they have to get it with another Namek person. Or it's just something in the drinking water of Namek." Ruby said.   
  
  
  


"Oh.. I see now. I wish you wouldn't have brought that up." Nall said.   
  


"Yeah well, it's just a thought, and it is on topic. Let's see what's next... Digimon and Pokemon?" Ruby said and then sweatdropped.   
  


"Oh hell no." Nall muttered.   
  


"Nuh-uh, I'm not getting into that whole deal, that's just wrong. First off that's verging on bestiality. Secondly the cast members are kids. It's just not a good deal." Ruby said and then looked at the clock.   
  


"And on that note it's time for the show to end." Ruby said, setting her notes aside. The credits begin to roll and the Lunar dragons get up on the desk and dance to the tune of the Village People's song, YMCA. 


End file.
